SOLMI

Hello all. I wonder how everything is going with you, our friends. Things here at SOLMI HQ are going well. I can’t think of much to write right now but I wanted to post something new. So I says to myself, I says: “Brian, why don’t you post your Shane Bloomer stories on these interwebs?”

“But, the internet is not a dumptruck,” I countered.

“True,” I acknowledged. “It’s a series of tubes. Tubes that should be filled with the seed of your talents.”

Well, I’m sure you understand that I just had to go ahead and publish those stories after hearing that. So, without further ado, here is Shane Bloomer’s Existential Guide to Nothingness, Part 1:

Shane Bloomer’s existential guide to nothingness: part one of an eight part series

Shane Bloomer was an awkward man, in many ways to fit many perspectives. His awkwardness was not attributed to one sole aspect alone (such as an awkward step or perhaps an awkward laugh) but in his entire essence. One might say his aura was the color awkward. And that is saying a great deal.

But, the narrator digresses as the narrator often does.

Shane Bloomer wanted normal things. He wanted a car, preferably a four-door. He wanted a wife and two children, one son and one daughter, if possible. He wanted his own little square plot of land square in the middle of the newest and squarest housing development. Shane Bloomer liked squares. Shane Bloomer did not care much for rhombuses.

Shane Bloomer had a first and last name that fit well together. Because of this, no one knew him as Shane or Bloomer or any other variant upon the first name and surname. He was known to all as Shane Bloomer. He often wondered if the habit of keeping to such formalities kept people from getting close and comfortable with him. Really it was because he was just awkward. Shane Bloomer was quite the awkward man.

But, the narrator is redundant, as the narrator often is.Shane Bloomer did not know much of poetry, though he had heard such great things about it he couldn’t imagine having a distaste for it. Shane Bloomer had the same attitude towards fish. Though he often said he drew the line on tuna. Shane Bloomer did not care much for tuna. Or rhombuses.

It is said Shane Bloomer had nary a thought on such things.

Shane Bloomer often wondered about things he knew other people wondered about. Shane Bloomer, as he drove his four-door sedan down an interstate or a highway or an interstate highway, would wonder exactly how fast he was going at that precise moment. He would not allow himself to glance down upon the dash- this would be cheating. He would attempt to gauge his speed based upon other types of measurement. The rest of the elements concerning this methodology is unclear.

The narrator is pressed to move on, as the narrator often feels.Shane Bloomer liked colors. He enjoyed the wide spectrum of Roy G Biv, though he had heard that indigo was no longer considered part of the deal anymore. This concerned him for two reasons. The first, that he had taken a bit of a liking to indigo. The second, that science had proven to be incorrect all these previous years. This troubled Shane Bloomer for some time until he decided to take the higher road and be happy that there was still red, still orange, still yellow, still green, still blue, and still violet to rejoice in. Shane Bloomer patted himself on the back for being such an optimist. Shane Bloomer did not much care for people who spelled colors with a “u”.

Shane Bloomer had witnessed death at an early age, at least that’s what he was told. His father had shot himself in front of Shane Bloomer while Shane Bloomer was but an infant. Many wondered if this had any affect on him. Shane Bloomer could not honestly answer such a question. Others decided to answer for him, and it was the general consensus of the community: yes, it had an affect.

Shane Bloomer was too busy disliking rhombuses. And colours.

THIS CONCLUDES THE READING OF SHANE BLOOMER’S EXISTENTIAL GUIDE TO NOTHINGNESS: PART one OF EIGHT AS TOLD TO THE NARRATOR

We’ve always had an iTunes feed, but are you guys using it? I know some of you are, and that’s cool. I’m pretty sure my parents aren’t but I can attribute that to them not really using iTunes all that much. Or at all. But what about everybody else?

I’ve found that at least with my friends the ones that don’t subscribe to podcasts (or really know what they are) are the ones that don’t use iTunes much, if at all.

My favorite way of subscribing to podcasts is through iTunes. It’s just a preference, and not necessarily the standard for this sort of thing (although probably pretty close). Whether you’re on a Mac or a PC you can download iTunes. If you’re on a Mac you already have it. Check your Applications folder. Actually, if you’re on a Mac and don’t know what iTunes is you’ve probably got bigger problems than podcasts to worry about.

Once you’ve got iTunes open go ahead and look on the far left. You should see the words “iTunes Store”. Click that.

On the page that loads you should see a “Podcasts” section on the left. Click that. You’re in.

Podcasts are free. If somebody is charging you to watch their show they either have no idea what they’re doing and probably have some affiliation with the MPAA, or their content is so unbelievably amazing that it would, quite literally, blow your mind.

Navigate around the Podcast section until you see something that catches your eye. Since you’re not paying for it, the opportunity cost of downloading a potentially lame podcast isn’t very high. Since the only thing you’re spending is time (and not that much) it really isn’t that big of a deal. If you don’t like it, delete it. That’s it. The best part is that if you do like it you don’t have to do a thing. Every time a new episode is available it downloads automatically on your computer. Just open iTunes and in it comes.

Getting a show you’ve created yourself into the iTunes Store is a whole other story altogether. Just know it’s a bit more involved than the process of subscribing. And the reason we went through the trouble of getting the show in there was to make things easier on you in the end. Hopefully now you can take advantage of that.

You can even leave us comments about our show if you’d like. Let us know what you thought was cool, and what wasn’t. If you’d like to see more of something (or less) tell us. We’d love to hear from you guys.

So that’s about it. Just wanted to share.

  I want this to be a lesson out there for the youth of today who come to our site looking for some sort of guidance, some model of excellent behavior that they don’t get from their broken homes: If you want something, go out and get it. Now of course this shouldn’t apply to everything. If I wanted Jason dead (which I’ll leave it to you to decide if I really do) I shouldn’t just go out and buy a gun. Even though there are excellent loopholes in the purchasing of a gun from a gun show. Or if I were an Iranian, it might not be best for everyone if I got the Plutonium I so direly wanted. Where that lesson does apply is right here and right now. We asked for the blog, you our fans demanded it so here we are. Now you’ll be treated to ramblings much like this one I’m on now many many many many many many many more times in the future. Not even from just me. Could be Jason or Meagan too. I wonder when the next gun show is…. Anyhow, I think I’ll end it here for now. On a rhyme like that last sentence was. I’d like to welcome you all to the newly refurbished SOLMI site and hope that you sit around, kick off your shoes, and take a look around. We insist. And yes, that is a pie you smell in the oven. How can you say no?