SOLMI

Hello all. I wonder how everything is going with you, our friends. Things here at SOLMI HQ are going well. I can’t think of much to write right now but I wanted to post something new. So I says to myself, I says: “Brian, why don’t you post your Shane Bloomer stories on these interwebs?”

“But, the internet is not a dumptruck,” I countered.

“True,” I acknowledged. “It’s a series of tubes. Tubes that should be filled with the seed of your talents.”

Well, I’m sure you understand that I just had to go ahead and publish those stories after hearing that. So, without further ado, here is Shane Bloomer’s Existential Guide to Nothingness, Part 1:

Shane Bloomer’s existential guide to nothingness: part one of an eight part series

Shane Bloomer was an awkward man, in many ways to fit many perspectives. His awkwardness was not attributed to one sole aspect alone (such as an awkward step or perhaps an awkward laugh) but in his entire essence. One might say his aura was the color awkward. And that is saying a great deal.

But, the narrator digresses as the narrator often does.

Shane Bloomer wanted normal things. He wanted a car, preferably a four-door. He wanted a wife and two children, one son and one daughter, if possible. He wanted his own little square plot of land square in the middle of the newest and squarest housing development. Shane Bloomer liked squares. Shane Bloomer did not care much for rhombuses.

Shane Bloomer had a first and last name that fit well together. Because of this, no one knew him as Shane or Bloomer or any other variant upon the first name and surname. He was known to all as Shane Bloomer. He often wondered if the habit of keeping to such formalities kept people from getting close and comfortable with him. Really it was because he was just awkward. Shane Bloomer was quite the awkward man.

But, the narrator is redundant, as the narrator often is.Shane Bloomer did not know much of poetry, though he had heard such great things about it he couldn’t imagine having a distaste for it. Shane Bloomer had the same attitude towards fish. Though he often said he drew the line on tuna. Shane Bloomer did not care much for tuna. Or rhombuses.

It is said Shane Bloomer had nary a thought on such things.

Shane Bloomer often wondered about things he knew other people wondered about. Shane Bloomer, as he drove his four-door sedan down an interstate or a highway or an interstate highway, would wonder exactly how fast he was going at that precise moment. He would not allow himself to glance down upon the dash- this would be cheating. He would attempt to gauge his speed based upon other types of measurement. The rest of the elements concerning this methodology is unclear.

The narrator is pressed to move on, as the narrator often feels.Shane Bloomer liked colors. He enjoyed the wide spectrum of Roy G Biv, though he had heard that indigo was no longer considered part of the deal anymore. This concerned him for two reasons. The first, that he had taken a bit of a liking to indigo. The second, that science had proven to be incorrect all these previous years. This troubled Shane Bloomer for some time until he decided to take the higher road and be happy that there was still red, still orange, still yellow, still green, still blue, and still violet to rejoice in. Shane Bloomer patted himself on the back for being such an optimist. Shane Bloomer did not much care for people who spelled colors with a “u”.

Shane Bloomer had witnessed death at an early age, at least that’s what he was told. His father had shot himself in front of Shane Bloomer while Shane Bloomer was but an infant. Many wondered if this had any affect on him. Shane Bloomer could not honestly answer such a question. Others decided to answer for him, and it was the general consensus of the community: yes, it had an affect.

Shane Bloomer was too busy disliking rhombuses. And colours.

THIS CONCLUDES THE READING OF SHANE BLOOMER’S EXISTENTIAL GUIDE TO NOTHINGNESS: PART one OF EIGHT AS TOLD TO THE NARRATOR

This entry was posted on Friday, August 31st, 2007 at 1:48 pm and is filed under Works of Genius. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.